Dear Amy: Recently, there has been infidelity between my husband and me (on my part).
We are working on our marriage and everything seems to keep getting better.
When it first happened he turned to his friends quite upset and most of them blocked me etc.
His best friend is no longer talking to me, but I contacted him, letting him know that I love him and his girlfriend, don’t want to lose them, and hope they don’t hate me.
He replied by stating that he wasn’t making any judgments until he gave him time to see how my husband was feeling.
When it comes time for me to see them (they all live out of state), do you have any advice not to feel uncomfortable, awkward, or scare?
I’m afraid they’ll hate me and stare at me with hatred all the time.
Besides, it is important that both you and your husband communicate that you are repairing your relationship, but otherwise the inner workings of your marriage will remain private.
Dear Amy: We have been living next to a very good neighbor for almost 30 years. Charles is helpful and friendly and we really like him.
His political views are 180 degrees different from ours. So far this has not been a problem as we have many other things to discuss (gardening, family etc) and kept our views to ourselves.
The problem is that a few meters from our backyard fence, he hung a large flag (replacing the worn-out original with a new, even bolder model). This flag carries a message that represents ideals that are repulsive to us.
No profanity – only divisive and harmful implications. I don’t think it’s a deliberate att*ck on us or anything like that.
We cannot avoid seeing and hearing it flapping in the wind every time we are in our backyard. It extends approximately 10 feet above the ground so it cannot be obscured. (No other neighbors can see this.)
Visitors to our house commented: “What do you think about this flag?” “I could get rid of this for you – ha ha” etc.
My husband and I don’t want to lose Charles’s friendship or ruin what has been a good relationship for years. But it is very depressing for me, the constant reminder of the ugly divisions in our country.
I avoid my own backyard (and feel bad about my neighbor).
What’s your advice?
Dear Torn: You don’t give any details about this flag, nor say what your personal policy is, so I am determined to visualize this issue from a broad spectrum.
(My assumption is that this flag contains no words or symbols that can incite violence, but represents ideas or values in direct opposition to your own.)
It looks like you never asked a neighbor if he could move the flag elsewhere in his backyard, so it didn’t flutter that distractingly close to yours.
We live in a country where everyone is free to wave their bizarre flag, and people like you and your neighbor can live in a cordial and peaceful environment – anyone is free to express themselves or be silent, if that’s what you prefer to do.
You have the choice of displaying your own flag or banner, expressing your views directly or indirectly through multiple media, or using your own freedom to keep your thoughts to yourself.
I can’t tell you how to feel, but you might feel different if you could reformulate it. “Tolerance” is the challenge of tolerating others’ freedom of expression, even if their actual views are repulsive.
So when your friends ask you what you think of your neighbor’s flag, you can say, “Well, every day I see it, I’m forced to appreciate the First Amendment. So God bless America! “
Dear Amy: Had Enough wrote to you about her daughter whose high school friends rejected her, leading to her dropping out of school.
This weakness is what is wrong in this country today.
You should have called her; instead you pampered her.
Dear disappointed: I do not think that “calling” a vulnerable person is necessarily helpful.
You can email Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
#worried #husbands #friends #hate