Dear Amy: My friend “Jane” texted our group of girlfriends with info regarding another girlfriend, “Maggie”.
Jen told us all that she was using a social media dating app out of town for business and that Maggie’s husband “Jade” (also out of town for business) was “swiping right” on Jen. The screenshots she shared with us showed that she had set up her profile to appear single.
Jane asked for advice on what to do with it. We suspected for a long time that Jade was no good, but we also acknowledge that the couple may have had an open relationship. Either way, we liked it best that Maggie had the information.
Jane and I don’t know Maggie well, but another woman in the group, “Susan,” does.
Susan carefully and deftly agrees to pass the information to Maggie. Unfortunately, it’s been months, and we just learned that Susan never told Maggie because it made her uncomfortable.
My husband, also close to Maggie, said he would tell her. He also did not pursue citing the same reason.
I went back to the source and asked Jane to inform Maggie, and she also declined, saying it was “not her place.”
I’m starting to get angry knowing this information is in everyone’s head except Maggie! I feel terrible for him. I feel wrong to step into it but I think he needs the information.
should i drop it? Is sending an anonymous letter or something out of line?
I don’t want to create further drama or confusion, just inform.
Dear Freighting: My first piece of advice is that you all should stop discussing this as a group. It has fallen into the realm of personal gossip.
The obvious solution would have been for Jen to respond to Jade’s swipe, “Man, I know your wife!”
Otherwise, for all you know, this man is posing as an unmarried man and “swiping right” out of town. While I agree that this is dishonest and certainly a violation of most relationship norms, it’s all you know.
You may be the right person to put it to rest, as you don’t have an existing relationship to protect, and this is clearly bothering you.
If you decide to contact her, all you need to do is tell her, “A single woman I know saw Jade’s profile on a dating app. I don’t know much more, but after dealing with this dilemma I I have decided to tell you.”
Otherwise drop it.
Dear Amy: My niece (the youngest) is getting married at a luxurious place in far northern Minnesota. I live in the southwest.
My brother (his father) just sent me an email saying that his wife is very upset that I am not planning to attend. He said he hoped there would be a person from our side of the family.
I live 1,000 miles away and work full time. I can’t afford airfare — or gas and hotel — nor can I take that much time off work. Also, it would not be wise to walk that distance alone.
The father of the bride and another brother of mine are retired and have a high income. Should I consider asking them for money so that I can be there to represent the family?
A sister in trouble!
Dear sister: In addition to the father of the bride, you have another brother who may be able to represent your side of the family.
You have prepared a list of reasons not to attend this marriage. (Either you can take time off from work, or you can’t.)
If you want to participate, you should honestly answer: “I really want to be there, but honestly I can’t afford. I’m really sorry.”
Your brothers may offer to finance the trip. If so, I hope you go.
Dear Amy: I am baffled by your response to “the West is tense” asking about wedding invitations from my cousins who have expressed racist opinions and used racist slurs.
Racists are not “bozos”. They are disgusting, ignorant and dangerous people.
The friendly approach you express contributes to the ongoing crisis in American racism in all its forms, it should not be tolerated.
Yes, the decision is for the couple to make, but the bride’s parents can make it very clear that they stand 100 percent behind their decision not to invite racists to their wedding.
Dear Liz: My mistake. These cousins described were not only “bozos”. They were a racist burden.
You can email Amy Dickinson at email@example.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow him on Twitter @askingamy or on Facebook.